The Awkwardness of Dates

With some adult content (nothing dodgy though), this short film, "Blind Date" starring Sophie Anderson; latest hit at the British Film Institute, shows the awkwardness of a first (in this case a blind) date. How people misinterpret meanings, appear too keen, appear too weird and when the mind decides to have a bit of fun with its owner are all explored through this short snippet of comedic motion picture.

I encourage you to give up 10 minutes of your time to watch this. I'm sure there will be something in this that will take you back to an experience you have had.



Want to help encourage young British acting talent? Follow @sophieanderson_ on twitter!

I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Wow, this whole butter fiasco is a lot more complicated than I first thought!

I Can't Believe It's Not Allah

Today, I found the face of Jesus in my butter. I kid you not.

Here is photographic proof of this religious experience (which is ironic as I'm not religious). I am going to dub this event "I can't believe it's not Allah".



Edit: Several comments have some in suggesting this may not be the face of Jesus after all...Suggestions for alternatives are Rolf Harris, Casper the friendly ghost, and the ghost from ghostbusters - even one suggestion that it could be Winston Churchill. I'll let you make your own mind who you think it is. Either way, I'm very flattered that he/it chose my butter to live in.

Watch Out Gordon Ramsey

Mr Ramsey, you are no match for me and my beds!

I am "P" in the discussion below. "E" shall remain a mysterious figure to all but me (and E).

Chef talk!....

E to P: what did you have?
P to E: I had fillet au mackeral served on a bed of rice with an olive scented tomato dressing..........aka tin of mackeral with some rice, smotherd in ketchup, but I like my version of it
E to P: :P that's no better than my meal :P
P to E: it issssssss. I can make it sound posh........you can't make chicken sound anything other than "it's chicken". There's no bed of anything! You gotta have a bed of something........it's the best bit
E to P: :D ya got me

.....later that evening.....

P to E: how was the chicken?
E to P: deliciouuuuus!
P to E: did you have anything with it?
E to P: nope :D
P to E: no beds?!?!
E to P: beds?? vegs?
P to E: beds. beds of whatever. Remember it's the bed that's the best bit
E to P: aaah no, but i ate on my bed if that counts
P to E: haha yeah, you had chicken on a bed :D
E to P: :D
P to E: just a bed, not of anything........a bed of many dreams :D
E to P: :)
P to E: you should suggest to [name redacted] she suggests they put that on the menu at the [restaurant name] to see if anyone orders it - "Chicken on a bed of dreams"
E to P: aww sounds delish
P to E: I think so :)
E to P: :)

Atom Spotting - Getting to Know the World Around You

I am fortunate to work for a company which believes strongly in employee well-being. A happy employee is a creative employee right? Moreover, a happy person is a creative person both at and outside of the workplace.

Our dear leader, and all-round "Jolly Good Fellow" who for the purposes of this blog shall be referred to as Kim Meng-il (although our Meng is popular and would never be so roanree - warning: video contains a naughty word!) has encouraged the holders of thousands of curious minds to continue to develop their curiosity and step into a world which will hopefully, over time will increase their general levels of happiness.

I highly endorse taking some of your time to read his blog Mengstupiditis and just see what you think.

Through the practice of a technique known as Mindfulness, the idea is to both relax (through breathing) and also get to know (through a deep awareness) someone very important - yourself. I like to think of it as "How can we even begin to understand the world around us if we do not take the time to first know ourselves?"

As far as I know, there are no official "stages" of experience or knowledge, but if there are, then I'm still very much at stage 1 (maybe 1.5 if I get extra points by blogging about it? I think so!). I just find it an interesting concept and one to play with as and when just to see what grows if I plant the seeds. My personal interest in it is to see if it can help reduce levels of anxiety that I experience (I call this "tortured genius syndrome" ;))

I've always been a bit of a curious chappy. I like to let my mind wander and see how many of the synaptic gaps I can bridge before I leave this planet. So, leading on from the mindful approach to life, I have come up with my own way to practice this -- Atom Spotting. I haven't really practiced it much, and maybe it will not prove to be useful. I suppose only time will tell!

If you can have train spotters hanging around alongside train tracks, or plane spotters gathering at an airport, then why can't you have people who spot atoms? That is to say that when you go about your daily business, why not look for everything? An example might be walking down the street, minding your own business. But, what if you played "atom spotting" and looked for everything? The clothes people are wearing, what logos are on the clothes, what they are made of, the shades of colour, the fibres of the particular fabric used to make that piece of clothing? Apply this to everything around you (vehicle detail, the fonts on sign posts right down to the small indentations on the pavements on which millions of people have walked) you essentially begin to live the saying "God is in the detail".

So, see how many atoms you can spot. I'm going to give it a go!

The Downsides of Living Within One Mile of The Houses of Parliament (perhaps!)

Warning Spoiler Alert: (if you haven't seen the first episode in series 9 of Spooks)

So you know when you're watching TV and you get a little too into it? That doesn't happen to me often, but last night, rather humoursly it did.

I was watching the first episode of series 9 of Spooks -- what is perhaps the BBC's finest show.

Cutting a long story short. Terrorists get hold of some explosives and plan to send them crashing into the Houses of Parliament. Only way to stop this from happening is to use the last resort which - detonate an EMP to disable the bombs. The downside - it'd knock out anything containing a microchip within a 1 mile radius.

The bombs (contained in small submersibles) are making their way up the Thames. There is no time to stop them. The decision is made. The EMP must be detonated to prevent the destruction of the Houses of Parliament.

As I mention, I had a got a little too into the episode, and.....see thing is, is that I live comfortably within the 1 mile radius of the Houses of Parliament. For a brief second, I was watching the episode as if it was real time waiting, the tension building inside me as I waited for my internet connection to go off. Thankfully it didn't ;)

I did enjoy this random person's tweet on the subject though. Very funny!

Anyway that's all. Congratulations to the BBC for another great episode. Also thanks that this wasn't real and my internet connection was unaffected so I could still look at porn opportunities to volunteer.

Dear Boris, I have A Suggestion For The Olympics

Dear Boris,

Please please please please can we have "Knifey-spooney" in the London 2012 Olympics?

Yours sincerely,
Phil

P.S. I have also written to Jim'll Fix It

Ministry of Creative Solutions

Why isn't there a Ministry of Creative Solutions? I think there should be!

There are all kinds of government departments/ministries, the Ministry of Defence, the Ministry of Justice, and the Department for Education to name just a few.

When given the opportunity, us humans can be incredibly creative. Think of some of the things we have invented? Airplanes, cars, telephones, the internet, electricity, penicillin and dishwashers. When we spend a moment to step away from criticising all the horrible things humans have done/are doing (of which I agree are numerous) but instead focus on all our wondrous accomplishments, you will find a plethora of evidence proves our creativity.

So I believe strongly that more time should be given over to "creative solutions" (see Google 20% time as an example).

Creating a new government department is easier than you may think. Just look at the Ministry of Silly Walks as an example ;)

Therefore, I introduce to you the "Ministry of Creative Solutions", or MCS (using abbreviations - that's another creative solution!). Hotly off the heals of the (albeit satirical) ramblingsfromakitkat election manifesto earlier this year, this new department in the world of Phil shall have the brief of;

"seeking to channel creative solutions to solving problems (both big and small problems) in order to bring about a cost effective and efficient resolution."
I first got thinking about this the other day when watching a clip of the BBC comedy show Mock The Week. The contestants had to come up with suggestions for "Commercials that never aired" (warning: contains adult humour)

One of the comedians (relating to the BP Deepwater Horizon spill) had this pearl of wisdom at 1.45;

"Have you got long dry hair? Could we stuff it down an oil well?"
Perfect! This is creative thinking....true creative thinking where it's OK to be outside the box. Makes you wonder, what if the MCS (remember, that's Ministry of Creative Solutions) had been able to reach out to all hairdressers and ask them to collect all hair left on the floor, bagged it up for the MCS's collection staff? Could this have helped? Well, in this case I don't know. But having a department which could look into these things and know it can act when it can produce something effective would be wonderful in my view!

I wonder what other examples you can come up with to offer to MCS? All ideas (remember they must be thought through so they fit in with the mission) are welcome, and indeed encouraged. Be an ambassador for creative solutions!

And There I Was, All Set To Jump Up and Down After Drinking....!

I love the "innocent" sense of humour here from smoothie drink maker, Innocent Drinks.

When looking at their product specifications on the Tesco website (I think this link only works if you have a Tesco account), I noticed their excellent storage instructions:

"Looking after your smoothie.Once opened consume within 4 days or we'll come round and get you. Gently pasteurised, just like milk. For the use-by date, look at the top of the pack. And shake before opening, not after."

Looking Good In Lycra

Tonight, with the fantastic tool from YouTube where you can create your own SearchStory, I made this video which will hopefully cause a smile in most, and for those who can't and are in need of a lift, then hopefully it'll inspire those who like myself in the past suffered from depression, or more regrettably so, has it now.

Remember, if you can raise some hope inside of you....trust you will be OK, eventually. Then you can create a hilarious blog like me....well not quite as funny as this one of course!

Pac-Man Nibbles on Google Maps

So, were you one of the people who contributed some of your time to the combined estimated five million hours of lost work time to play on Google's Pac-Man doodle?

Well according to this image I found on streetviewfun.com, Pac-Man has now moved onto eating Google Maps pixel by pixel!


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Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Because my lovely and pretty Mummy knows I like long funny words, she sent me this postcard when she was on holiday recently....



And if you want to know how this is pronounced, click the play button on the video below.....Yeah, I can't say it either!



More information about Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Some Say....

Some say that he once had an "experience" with Boris Johnson, and that he doesn't agree with Nick, all we know is he's called The Stig...


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The Ramblingsfromakitkat Manifesto

Well, the UK General Election is less than three weeks away now. For the first time, I am completely undecided as to who I will vote for (and I will be voting!). I know it will be either Labour, Conservatives or Lib Dem (in a general election, I choose to vote only for one of the big three)

And so, inspired by the Official Monster Raving Loony Party's Manifesto, I bring you mine.

More will be added as I form more policies.

Grammar:
If elected, I shall order the Oxford English Dictionary to find an alternative for the word procrastination. It is unreasonable to have such a long word for people who most likely cannot be bothered, nor feel compelled to write all those letters. My party shall propose the word procrastination be replaced with the letter Q as this comes first on computers.

Working Hours:
Increasingly, doctors and other health care workers are understanding the importance of good employee health benefiting the company. More people seem happier at the weekend. Therefore, I shall reverse the working week/weekend numbers to a 5 day weekend and 2 day working week. This way we'll all be more happy and get more work done on the 2 days when we do have to work.

Law:
All courts and tribunals handling family and divorce cases would be issued with ample supplies of Birds Custard. This would help in custardy battles.

Defence:
I believe we are not using the A-Team to its full potential. I therefore propose full reinstatement of the A-Team with a view to deploy them immediately into theatre in Afghanistan. Also, because many of the local forces that we are committed to train in both Iraq and Afghanistan have limited resources, I propose that all foreign forces trained by my government are done so by MacGyver. This will ensure they are most effective even when available resources are low.

New Years Honours List:
If elected, I shall recommend to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II that she gives the title "Order of the British Empire" to Obi-Wan Kenobi. This will give the character the full name of Obi-Wan Kenobi OBE. (is it obvious I know nothing about sci-fi?)

Air Travel:
In light of the recent disruption caused to air travel by the Icelandic volcano eruption, a new law would be passed requiring all commercial aircraft to carry the drink "Red Bull". Red Bull gives you wings, and therefore will act as a back up mechanism should the plane loose stability due to ash intake. This backup would ensure aircraft can continue to fly.

Farming and Agriculture:
I shall ensure that all spiderpigs are free to do whatever spiderpigs do.

Animal Welfare:
The RSPCA will be instructed to ensure that all meerkats are found in groups of at least two. This is to enable the public to effectively compare the meerkat.

Mental Health:
All psychiatric hospitals will have trampolines placed on the ground below each window. This is to prevent injury and encourage humour (therefore curing them of their problem) amongst patients aiming to escape.

Also, I shall make it law that anyone who has suffered with depression for six months or longer is required to change their name to Annie, regardless of their sex. This is to create the conditions for people caring for these individuals to lighten the moment by saying "Annie are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?".

Climate Change:
I will create a task force to dismantle all greenhouses and prosecute any gardener who continues to flout the law and use them. This will have an impact on the effectiveness of greenhouses, therefore reducing the greenhouse effect.

Health:
The cost of cigarettes will be halved and re-engineered to suck in carbon dioxide, therefore removing the remaining effects caused by greenhouses. All pieces of fruit and veg will be made smaller. This increases the chances that people will be able to eat their recommended 5 per day. Tomato ketchup will also count towards your five a day (that's per squirt, so five squirts will provide you with your recommended daily allowance).

Transport:
As an alternative fuel source, all vehicles will be powered using the energy generated from burning the excrement spoken by politicians. National Express will be renamed "National" to remove the misleading word "express", which implies speed.

Green Transport:
Taking a leaf out of Mary Poppin's book, I will invest in the research to test the suitability of using flight-capable umbrellas (which require only wind) as the next form of public transportation to replace cars. And I shall also ensure that Rhianna only has one umbrella, and not several "ella's" on top. This is greed and we as a society must curb this.

Family:
I will make sure all parents have three children. Parents must raise their offspring to ensure one of them weighs significantly less than the other two. This policy will restore the 2.4 children factor which proved to be the bedrock of a stable family life for so many years.

Economy:
I will allow all children (and adults providing they obtain the necessary license) to spend chocolate money, which will be given official monetary status as the secondary currency throughout the British Isles. The cost of kit kats will also be reduced by 90%.

Race relations:
I will advocate a society in which all races are given equal consideration. All athletes will have to participate in at least one other race and give at least 50% of their training time to this event. Any athlete found to be disobeying this law shall be prosecuted as being race-ist.

Crime:
Anyone wishing to be a police officer will not be allowed to join the force until they have mastered the "walk from The Bill". Paperwork will be reduced by requiring all reports to be filed via Twitter. This will also ensure transparency.

Tourism:
I will rename all tourist locations to ensure confusion and disappointment cannot reign. For example, Piccadilly Circus will be renamed so people do not expect to find a trapeze artist upon arrival.

Entertainment:
A law will be introduced to make it illegal for anyone over the age of 10 to purchase a Harry Potter book. Also, the Sun newspaper will be renamed to make it more representative of the British weather. It will be now be called "Overcast with a chance of rain"

Technology:
Any piece of technology used to gather mapping data from ground level, will be referred to as a satellemite. This will continue the stalagmite (rising from the ground)/stalactite (from above) order of words. Satellites, providing the data is aerial/orbiting will remain unchanged.

Immigration:
Due to the increasing problem of hospital acquired infections, I would to ensure that Britain's immigration policy also encompasses bacteria. In a new step, only friendly bacteria would be granted entry into the United Kingdom (such as the type found in Yakult). Bad bacteria would not be allowed in and the newly created Border Protection Force shall be provided with ample supplies of Dettol antibacterial spray.

Freedom of Information:
It is believed that nowadays, there are too many public inquiries. If elected, I will hold a public inquiry to investigate why there are so many.

Public Holidays:
April 1st will be made a bank holiday. It will be referred to as "Boris Johnson day".

Sport:
The theme tune to the BBC Snooker coverage shall be replaced by "Snooker loopy nuts are we".

2012 Olympics:
A new sport of "being British" shall be introduced. This is to ensure that Britain will win at least one gold medal during the Olympics for which we are the host nation.

Religious Integration:
I shall recall my ambassador to the Vatican City, unless the Pope meets our demands and answers the question "Why, if we, the people are created by God, do I sometimes bite my own tongue?" It is unacceptable to believe that the same being who created the Grand Canyon would have made such an error with humans.

Civil Liberties:
To ensure that our security services (MI5 and MI6), do not believe they are above the law, it is my policy to verify whether James Bond has a license to watch TV.

If I Have Children....

I hope I have a girl like this....

"Dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health. May the force be with you, because you're worth it, Amen and out."


From the brilliantly written and wonderfully acted BBC comedy series, Outnumbered.