How to be nice, in a terrified kind of way

Last Saturday, I saw my good friend, Sarah. The next day, I received a lovely message from her which said she'd been telling her Mum about me. The message said

"I said you knew what was what and you were not only a good person who was always kind to others. You make living a good life and being a good person look so easy. You make doing the right thing look obvious."

Now I don't know if that's true or not. I hope it is, because what a lovely message. If her assessment of me is correct, then I've done very well in my life and my efforts are becoming well worth it. It got me thinking (and then once I had stopped wondering why fridge has a D in it, but refrigerator doesn't) about her message. Let's just say for one brief moment that Sarah is correct (not because she isn't usually though). Let's say I am a nice person and I do this being nice thing very well (I am terribly self-deprecating by the way). What views do I have that might be contributing to this? Well, I came up with this list below. (I should just state, more to satisfy my own mind and allow for my hand to click on "publish" that this is written on the imaginary basis of me not being a complete twit.)

So, here is a guide that I am calling "How to be nice, by a person who each day is terrified that he is not nice, therefore meaning he probably is nice, but could never genuinely entertain that..."

1. Always smile at people.

Now, I live in London and in London, there is an unwritten rule that states that should you find yourself in the position of smilee, then you're a) about to be mugged, b) canvassed by a politician or c) have your liver eaten by a psychopath. However, I choose to smile at people. Why? Is it because I want to mug them? No, because by the time I have doused my hands in anti-bacterial hand gel, they would probably have enough time to escape. Am I a politician? No, and be thankful I am not. Am I a liver-liking psychopath? No. I prefer chicken. I smile at them, because I genuinely believe that it will brighten their day (once they realise they're not about to be mugged, asked for their vote or gutted). Chances are that that person is fighting a battle, whether that be health issues, work stresses, money issues or friends using your when it should be you're. So we should all smile more at one another and show one another that we are not alone in this world.

2. Never say that you're a nice person, but instead say that you always try to be a nice person.

Personally I feel that the moment a person says about themselves "I'm a nice person", then it can only fuel an arrogance. You're human and sometimes you're going to balls it up. You're going to say the wrong thing. You're going to come across as a bigot. You're going to use your when it should be you're (hopefully very rarely though). If you decide that you have become a nice person and have achieved some special position, then you're more likely to question less if someone says (for example) "what you said/did there hurt me". It's a fine line, because I agree with the view that we should all think highly of ourselves, but I believe that we can tell ourselves that the act of trying always to be nice and kind is itself something to be proud of.

3. Don't try to change people unless they ask explicitly.

Obviously, I need to preface this with saying this is just my view, otherwise I'm just being hypocritical. But, personally I don't like the culture of this "think again!" when a person presents their view. I feel it's easy for people to tell others that they're wrong without considering their right to an opinion which will have been based on a whole series of life experiences. Personally, I find it much more helpful to just accept their right to individuality and having their own opinions. Sure, if someone says "I don't like the way I think about X, please help me", then go ahead. But if someone states an opinion you disagree with, then embrace that difference, don't say "no, you're wrong and I must tell you why". THAT IS JUST MY OPINION THOUGH AND IT HELPS ME.

4. Be thankful and grateful

Each day/week, make a list of one thing or several things that you are grateful for. It really could be the smallest thing. Maybe you're grateful for friends and family. Maybe you're just thankful for whoever invented shoelaces because it helped you stand up more safely.

5. Want others to be happy

It sounds simple, but really make an effort to have a huge desire for everyone around you to become as free from any suffering they may have as quickly as possible.

6. Consider what might make someone's day go 1% more easily.

If we all do this constantly, then that will go to make a large percentage. Hold the door open for someone, ask how someone is. Chances are the person you're interacting with has a worry. You might not be able to remove anything big from their list, but you can offer someone a drink, you can hold a door open for them, you can send someone a photo of a meerkat (I like meerkats).

7. Realise that you have a huge impact. There might be 7 billion of us in the world, but actually I feel our impact is potentially enormous. We all have stories about people who have influenced us positively and traumatised us. Often people will describe people who did something many years ago that still influences them now. In my mind, each day there is the opportunity to be one of those people that in 20 years time, the person you spoke with will say "I remember this person from years ago. S/he did this for me. I am still thankful".

8. Make people laugh

I've had times in my life where I did not smile for a very long time. As in the physical action of smiling where the muscles in the face move up and a neurological process takes place to produce pleasure did not happen for many months. After I began to smile again, I realised I had not been experiencing something very profound and something that is a great gift. I vowed to try and give that gift to as many people as possible before my days on this planet are numbered. What an amazing gift to give to someone eh? Also, this is partly because I don't want to have to spend my money buying you a voucher.

9. Be interested in people

If someone chooses to share something with you, be flattered. Us humans can be a reserved bunch. If someone opens their heart to us, then we are very privileged. Don't shirk that responsibility.

10. Avoid dehumanising people

Everyone you will speak to was born naked, kicking and screaming sharing the same basic desires as you - you both want to be happy and healthy. Try not to lose sight of the very basic element that we all share.

OK, that's it! If I think of anything else, I'll add it here. See you later, everyone. And remember, these are just my views that have helped me (allegedly) become a nice person.

My Top Ten Instagram Accounts To Follow

If you're on Instagram, you'll know that some people have really run with it to show us many beautiful things. These are my top 10 accounts.

1. @usinterior

What do they say about themselves? U.S. Department of the Interior Protecting America’s Great Outdoors and Powering Our Future. This is the official account for the Department. http://www.doi.gov

What do I like about it? The range of beauty that is offered on our planet. America is very lucky to be the host of a lot of this beauty.





2. @mpsasu

What do they say about themselves? Welcome to the new Instagram Account of @MPSinthesky. We will hopefully bring you photos of #London while we police the capital. Pic use must credited https://twitter.com/MPSinthesky

What do I like about it? I love London, I live in London and I love aerial photography. So, this is a perfect account for me.





3. @missunderground

What do they say about themselves? @MissUnderground In love with the London Underground. iPhone 5 only. @Miss_Jess http://www.missunderground.com

What do I like about it? I couldn't say I'm a huge fan of riding on the London Underground, or tube as the locals call it. However, I am in awe of the feats of engineering it has achieved over the years, its scale and what it offers millions of people every day.





4. @petesouza

What do they say about themselves? Chief Official White House Photographer. Comments posted on White House pages may be archived. Learn more at wh.gov/privacy. http://flickr.com/whitehouse

What do I like about it? Pete is an extremely talented photographer. Well, I supposed you'd have to be to become the official White House Photographer. His behind the scenes view of the US Presidency is a joy to see.





5. @alexstrohl

What do they say about themselves? Photographer — Vancouver, BC alex@stayandwander.com http://stayandwander.com

What do I like about it? I've only just discovered this guy, but I love his scenic photographs, mainly of British Columbia in Canada - one of the world's most beautiful regions.





6. @jethromullen

What do they say about themselves? Hong Kong, and occasionally elsewhere. Journalist at CNN

What do I like about it? Also just discovered this guy. I love how it shows us amazing views of the urban sprawl of Hong Kong. His artistic perspectives of the tower blocks works really well too!





7. @alanisko

What do they say about themselves? World around me in squares - 3k iPhone Only Shots, now also with help of QX100 - Thanks for and - Meet me in London, UK http://about.me/alanisko

What do I like about it? So many beautiful shots of this great city of London, ranging from the obvious landmarks to the pretty little riverside walkways. This account will help to appreciate London's diversity.





8. @davidangell

What do they say about themselves? Tech, pixels, ☮, ❤. @Miss_Jess Appreciation Society http://www.davidangell.org

What do I like about it? Using the background of a bird in flight (I've no idea how long it's taken him to collect all these), an inspirational quote by a famous scientist, author or philosopher will get you thinking for the day.





9. @nasakennedy

What do they say about themselves? The official Instagram account for NASA's Kennedy Space Center. http://www.nasa.gov/kennedy

What do I like about it? There is something about the Kennedy Space Centre that provokes a sense of wanting to discover our universe. These photos are likely to trigger this basic human response to understand all that we can.

10. I know of another one that is going to be launched soon, so I'm keeping this space for that!

Grateful for

I have had a horrible day today - well a fair bit of it was horrible.

So here are a bunch of things (totally at random) that I am thankful for. I've heard that when you're feeling really rubbish, it helps to list things you're grateful for. There are two reasons for this. 1. It helps shift the focus to the positive. 2. It engages the pre-frontal cortex part of the brain, which when more active gives less room for the amygdala (the part that lights up during times of anxiety/anger/fear) to reign freely.

So, here goes. I am going to time myself (because I am a geek)....in no specific order Phil, your 3 minutes begins now, and you have to keep typing. Are you ready? Yes Phil, you are ready. OK. Go!

OK.....I am thankful for lovely Twitter people that have tried to keep me relatively sane. I am thankful for the SatNav that helped us find where we were going today. I'm thankful for my lovely parents (who really should've had me adopted years ago!). I'm thankful for whatssnapchatapp, or whatever it's called. I'm thankful fooooorrrrrrrrrrr ahhhhh, I can't think....I'm thankful for Mark Knopfler (woah that was random). I'm thankful for the internet. I am thankful for my fingers which allow me to type this. I'm thankful for my knowledge about the pre-frontal cortex, which I learned at work (I think that's where I learned it). I'm thankful forrrrr, come on surely my time is nearly up, it's gotta be 3 mins. OK, it pretty much is....I am thankful fooorrrrrrrrrrrrr, ok one last one, I'm thankful for baby meerkats.

OK. Publish!

(I still feel crappy, but that was a good thing to do)

Food Aid Packages.....for my neighbours

I read a blog post the other day, which described how the British Red Cross has launched a campaign to help those in the UK with food aid -- essentially those that are struggling so much with money that they are no longer able to find the funds to purchase food for themselves and their families. This got me thinking. Why don't I donate some? So, today I did.

I don't really want to get into the reasons behind this current poverty situation in this post, or whether it's the current government's policies that have caused this. My overall, personal view is that money was probably mankind's worst invention, or at least that we invented something that we applied to *everything*, including health. I'm fine with money relating to who has the nicest car, or who has a conservatory or stayed in a 5 star hotel, but I am not fine with money being the key factor in whether a person can be healthy in life. Anyway, that's all I'm prepared to rant about.

The reality is that at the moment, there are people in my own country -- a developed country that are going hungry. Regardless of the reasons, I would like to do something about it, even if it's a small gesture. I would like to invite you to do the same, if you're in the fortunate position to do so. I'm not a rich man. I highly doubt I ever will be. However, at the moment, I'm in the very lucky position where it doesn't affect my own abilities to eat/clothe/warm myself if I give a little back. Maybe one day (though I hope to God not!), that won't be the case, but for now, as I can, I plan to follow my belief that a lot can be achieved by those that can give, giving, even if it's just a little (obviously the ideal situation is that a lot of people can do this simultaneously).

As someone that has experienced battles with mental health issues (in my case anxiety and depression) that caused me to eat very poorly for unhealthily long periods of time, I appreciate that access to basic nourishment is vital for good health. So, on the basis that I want everyone to be happy and well in their lives, I wanted to give something. My plan, while ever I can (which I hope will be for the rest of my time on this Earth!), is that each week when I do my weekly shop, I will order £2-3 worth of extra tinned food, and at the end of the month, go up to the local food bank. I hope it helps. Maybe you could do the same?

Was that good for you?

So ladies and gentlemen (plural?....really Phil?), I have discovered something. My brain has a G-Spot, and I know how to activate it.

What?! I hear you say! (in fact, I hear that a lot!). Well what I have discovered is that I am susceptible to autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR for short (because any other letter acronym would just be stupid). "What on earth is that" I hear you say! (I get that a lot too!). It's a relatively new thing as far as I can tell, which, according to Wikipedia, is defined as:

"a neologism for a recently described perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head, scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, olfactory, and/or cognitive stimuli."

But! It seems not everyone gets them. I only get them with one of the commonly known stimuli. For me, it's listening to the sound of whispering. It's hard to explain it, but my brain feels all tingly, excited and filled with pleasure. In no way though does it feel sexual (although there is often a strong association with pleasure and sexual activity....you're welcome ladies). Whatever it is, it's very nice. Here's the interesting thing though. It's not just something that happens when I listen to someone else whispering - I can do it to myself (story of my life!), although having someone else do it gives a greater kick (yes, I'm still talking about whispering....I think!).

The ever wonderful, Buzzfeed, has a short video to describe what this is. I don't find any of the other stimuli mentioned does it for me at all. It's very specific to whispering, but it's definitely there.



If you find that whispering does it for you, you'll get a massive kick out of this video



Phew! That was good. Anyone got a cigarette?

They made their instruments sing...

A few years ago, I wrote about my discovery of a hugely talented musician, Ludovico Einaudi (pronounced Ludoviko Ine (like in wine or dine) Audi (like the cars) ). Since then, my interest in him and admiration for his composing skills have continued to grow. Last Friday, I had the privilege of seeing him perform live.

It was one of the best concerts I have ever been to in my whole life. Spellbinding is the word I would use. He is primarily a pianist/composer and usually sticks to solo piano work. For this concert however, he had an orchestra with him to carry and emphasise his beautiful melodies. I went with my fab Mum to see this, and she described the experience as being in a place where together, Ludovico and his orchestra "made their instruments sing".

Earlier this year, he performed a warm up concert in London for this tour and a sample of this concert is available to watch online here. Obviously, it doesn't capture the full atmosphere of being there live, but perhaps if you watch it in full screen, switch off the lights and turn the volume up, it'll go some way.

Here's my favourite one, available on the video, "Waterways" is below. I hope you can spare a few minutes to watch it.

My all time favourite song of his is I Giorni, which he did play at the concert I saw, but it's not available in the video linked to above).

Thank you Ludovico for a magical night out. I won't forget it.

I want this person to be happy

My name is Phil, and I was born in 1982. I was brought into this world naked, kicking and screaming. I had no background to me (OK, perhaps I caused my Mum 9 months of discomfort and if asked, she'll tell you that this is still the case 31 years later!).

I didn't really want anything. I just needed to be kept warm, fed and watered. Other than that, I was just this little thing (some would say I still am!) who had the deepest of desires to be happy, content and not suffer as my life developed. You were the same. Everyone started like this.

No-one sets out to hurt people (I know there are some mental illnesses than mean people have certain thoughts/visions about hurting people, but they're still born with the desire to not suffer in life. In fact, if anything, I would suggest these people's desire to not suffer is greater than the average person's.). We just want to get on with our lives and wish for them to go pretty well so that we can smile lots, and enjoy our existences.

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” 

 -- John Lennon

As we get older, there are things that can make us feel happy/sad. Jobs, relationships, health concerns. Emotions, especially the experience of anger play a significant role in the levels of happiness we can experience, especially when in conflict with other people. So, I've been trying something for a while. You know what? It's working (oh, and it didn't cost me anything, or have any negative side effects). 

It's called "random intentions of kindness", and if you're the sort of person that likes to understand something's background, it traces its routes back to Buddhist meditation. I'm not a Buddhist, or aligned to any other religion. However, I do have an interest in the westernised/scientifically studied (I need my science, people!) practice of "Mindfulness". I think I just find it useful to have my interest hooked onto something, but, if you're not of this personality type, that's fine, you can read on and give this a try if you like.

So this "random intention of kindness thing then...It's quite simple really. It's based on reminding yourself of specific human similarities when dealing with any other human. Reminding yourself of these helps to reduce feelings of anger, which invariably lead to conflict and reduce your likelihood of experiencing happiness. I've already touched on these three key similarities above, but to go over them again, they are:

Each person is a human being, just like me. (if you're already angry with them, you may be finding it hard to think of them as human, so if that's the case, perhaps start off physically....they have a head, eyes, cells, skin, toe nails etc etc)

Each people wants to be happy, just like me.

Each person wants to be free from suffering, just like me.

Therefore, I want this person to be happy.

My experiences have taught me that by practicing this regularly (this is very important), I am able to feel less frustration with people, remain calmer in a greater number of situations, and have healthier interactions with my fellow species.

My preferable way in which to practice this, is to go out for a short walk each day, and randomly glance at a few people, pay attention to them and say to myself that "I want this person to be happy, reminding myself of those three key human similarities". 

Practicing with different types of people helps too. So, for example, I may include a homeless person, a person getting out of a Rolls Royce, a different sex, or age. If I'm finding it hard to bring about a sense of compassion for this person, I can refer back to the purely physical components of being human, and then, I may say to myself "I am sure this person does have something causing them unhappiness. Perhaps they're unhappy with their job, perhaps there's a family member they're worried about, maybe they're having money issues". Hopefully, none of these people will have those concerns, and my wishing them happiness is wishing them even more happiness than they already have in their already happy lives. Wouldn't that be nice? (Yes Phil)

It does feel a little strange at first to do this, and probably during the beginning, the habit of thinking "chav/snob/down and out" will feel like it's reigning freely. But, like anything you want to become more skilled at, you just need to repeat it over and over again. It will become easier, and crucially, your ability to switch on this "ahhhh, woaaaah, wait a minute....this person is a person like me etc etc" behaviour, will assist you in conflicting scenarios.

I would recommend that you watch this video (all of it if you have the time), but for the purposes of this blog post, the bit between 30.10 and 33.00 minutes is relevant.

I wouldn't say that I've become an expert in this yet. I still get pi**ed off with people sometimes. I still find myself having a bit of a rant. I still find myself engaging in prejudice thinking. But, less so. I feel that I have a kinder outlook to people, even those that have done bad things and I've found this part very interesting and sometimes a little confusing to be honest. It's not that I think what they've done is good. I will still be of the opinion that what they did (let's take the example of a convicted criminal) was completely wrong, but I am able to view them as someone who has suffered, and their horrible actions were probably the result of some suffering they experienced. I may retain the position that they shouldn't be allowed to walk the streets freely because their experiences and suffering have led them to become people who are now a danger to others, but I allow myself, albeit with restrictions placed up on them, to wish and end to their suffering. So, I suppose in that sense, it allows me to accept an ambivalence. 

Give it a go maybe? Next time you're in Tesco buying your horse, pick a few people out and wish them happiness (probably not out loud though), based on your basic human similarities, and just see how it makes you feel. 

Perhaps together, we can change the first auto suggest here (maybe the third too...).

Oh, and I want you to be happy.