Tinder

So, here’s the problem. It appears that despite the internet trying, on mass to tell me that I will die alone, surrounded by (can one die alone, surrounded by?) my (insert animal of choice, for my it’s meerkats), I would still quite like to find that special person. Once I get past the “Oh my god, breasts!” part, I’m quite a romantic kind of guy. I like the idea of finding someone, so, I thought I’d try a few of these dating apps/sites. Over the years, I’ve tried a few, and had some successes in finding someone, who over time turned out not to be Rachel Stevens my special one. The most recent one, is Tinder, which is basically a phone app for lazy people who are feeling judgemental*. This suited my needs, so I downloaded it.

* = If you don’t know what Tinder is by the way, it’s an app you download to your phone. You scroll through search results (displayed to you based on your search preferences). If you like a profile, you swipe right, if you don’t like it, you swipe left. If two people swipe right on one another and there’s a mutual match, then it allows you to message one another.

Here are a few thoughts I’ve had about it and the people I've seen on it.

Machu Picchu. WHY? I mean, why must 90% of people post a photograph of themselves perched high above what can only be described as a really bad place to put a bunch of rocks. I get that they’re proud they took an air conditioned bus climbed through the paved roads rainforests to reach this place which has no starbucks so is of little relevance to me magical kingdom. If they’re proud of it and had a nice time, fine, I’m very pleased for them. But, the fact that so many people post photographs of it, tells me that they’re trying to say “look at me, I’m brave and can go places that are off the beaten track. I can slum it!”. So yes, well done to them. They are off the beaten track, living it up in true Ray Mears style (minus the organised trips, and sherpa type people carrying their devices beginning with iP of course)

Tigers. I never knew before I signed up to Tinder that there were so many sedated tigers having their photos taken with people (who have probably also been to Macchu Picchu). I don’t really get it. Are they trying to say they’re brave to go near a tiger? If so, may I point out that it has been sedated. In fact, I put it to you that the majority of people would go near something dangerous, providing the danger had been removed from the situation. Anyway, the conclusion I have come to now, is that tigers aren’t endangered, they’ve just been sedated and are all asleep somewhere. So, I will not be sponsoring any more tigers (which by the way I know don’t actually write to me. Please Google “opposable thumbs” for more information on why animals you adopt aren’t sitting there in their dens penning letters to their adopters)

Moustaches. There appears to be a worryingly large number of women on Tinder who are wearing fake (I hope) moustaches. If this is supposed to entice me in, then may I suggest lingerie? If I wanted to hook up with someone with a moustache I would either not have informed the app that I’m a guy looking for a girl, or I would have dated my Aunt Mildred.

Photographs of people drinking. Yes, because everybody is looking for a drunk to settle down with aren’t they?

Healthy people. Then there are those people who look so fit and healthy. You know they eat muesli for breakfast, then run 10k, before drinking one of their special smoothies (which by the way, they made by themselves and are more than happy to ram that fact down your throat). You know they’re being smug and although you hate them for it, you still envy them as you look down at your steaming microwaved Tesco horse lasagna.

Anyway, enough ranting. There are some good things to this app. The main one, as stated above, is that finally, someone has invented a tool that allows me to sit around in my old PJ’s, moving on my thumb to say if I like someone. It also allows me to swipe left on people with excessive facial piercings, but this is another rant for another day).

There are also some odd things I noticed too. I have realised that Tinder will never fully work for British people, because we are far too preoccupied with not offending people (and I am a bad for a British person). I find it so hard to swipe left on anybody. Even though they won’t actually find out, I still worry for them. What if no-one else swipes right on them? Will they feel hurt? Oh my god, what if I’m the reason they go and do something stupid? I should probably apologise for this by telling someone I don’t like, that I like them, even though they won’t know. And if they do, and they hunt me down, I can always do that thing that your parents train you to do as a kid when the Jehovah Witnesses come round - turn off all the lights and play dead until they’ve gone, then wait another 30 minutes just to make sure.

Anyway, this blog post is of course irrelevant, because no-one actually replies on Tinder anyway, do they?