My name is Phil, and I was born in 1982. I was brought into this world naked, kicking and screaming. I had no background to me (OK, perhaps I caused my Mum 9 months of discomfort and if asked, she'll tell you that this is still the case 31 years later!).
I didn't really want anything. I just needed to be kept warm, fed and watered. Other than that, I was just this little thing (some would say I still am!) who had the deepest of desires to be happy, content and not suffer as my life developed. You were the same. Everyone started like this.
No-one sets out to hurt people (I know there are some mental illnesses than mean people have certain thoughts/visions about hurting people, but they're still born with the desire to not suffer in life. In fact, if anything, I would suggest these people's desire to not suffer is greater than the average person's.). We just want to get on with our lives and wish for them to go pretty well so that we can smile lots, and enjoy our existences.
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
-- John Lennon
As we get older, there are things that can make us feel happy/sad. Jobs, relationships, health concerns. Emotions, especially the experience of anger play a significant role in the levels of happiness we can experience, especially when in conflict with other people. So, I've been trying something for a while. You know what? It's working (oh, and it didn't cost me anything, or have any negative side effects).
It's called "random intentions of kindness", and if you're the sort of person that likes to understand something's background, it traces its routes back to Buddhist meditation. I'm not a Buddhist, or aligned to any other religion. However, I do have an interest in the westernised/scientifically studied (I need my science, people!) practice of "Mindfulness". I think I just find it useful to have my interest hooked onto something, but, if you're not of this personality type, that's fine, you can read on and give this a try if you like.
So this "random intention of kindness thing then...It's quite simple really. It's based on reminding yourself of specific human similarities when dealing with any other human. Reminding yourself of these helps to reduce feelings of anger, which invariably lead to conflict and reduce your likelihood of experiencing happiness. I've already touched on these three key similarities above, but to go over them again, they are:
Each person is a human being, just like me. (if you're already angry with them, you may be finding it hard to think of them as human, so if that's the case, perhaps start off physically....they have a head, eyes, cells, skin, toe nails etc etc)
Each people wants to be happy, just like me.
Each person wants to be free from suffering, just like me.
Therefore, I want this person to be happy.
My experiences have taught me that by practicing this regularly (this is very important), I am able to feel less frustration with people, remain calmer in a greater number of situations, and have healthier interactions with my fellow species.
My preferable way in which to practice this, is to go out for a short walk each day, and randomly glance at a few people, pay attention to them and say to myself that "I want this person to be happy, reminding myself of those three key human similarities".
Practicing with different types of people helps too. So, for example, I may include a homeless person, a person getting out of a Rolls Royce, a different sex, or age. If I'm finding it hard to bring about a sense of compassion for this person, I can refer back to the purely physical components of being human, and then, I may say to myself "I am sure this person does have something causing them unhappiness. Perhaps they're unhappy with their job, perhaps there's a family member they're worried about, maybe they're having money issues". Hopefully, none of these people will have those concerns, and my wishing them happiness is wishing them even more happiness than they already have in their already happy lives. Wouldn't that be nice? (Yes Phil)
It does feel a little strange at first to do this, and probably during the beginning, the habit of thinking "chav/snob/down and out" will feel like it's reigning freely. But, like anything you want to become more skilled at, you just need to repeat it over and over again. It will become easier, and crucially, your ability to switch on this "ahhhh, woaaaah, wait a minute....this person is a person like me etc etc" behaviour, will assist you in conflicting scenarios.
I would recommend that you watch this video (all of it if you have the time), but for the purposes of this blog post, the bit between 30.10 and 33.00 minutes is relevant.
I wouldn't say that I've become an expert in this yet. I still get pi**ed off with people sometimes. I still find myself having a bit of a rant. I still find myself engaging in prejudice thinking. But, less so. I feel that I have a kinder outlook to people, even those that have done bad things and I've found this part very interesting and sometimes a little confusing to be honest. It's not that I think what they've done is good. I will still be of the opinion that what they did (let's take the example of a convicted criminal) was completely wrong, but I am able to view them as someone who has suffered, and their horrible actions were probably the result of some suffering they experienced. I may retain the position that they shouldn't be allowed to walk the streets freely because their experiences and suffering have led them to become people who are now a danger to others, but I allow myself, albeit with restrictions placed up on them, to wish and end to their suffering. So, I suppose in that sense, it allows me to accept an ambivalence.
Give it a go maybe? Next time you're in Tesco buying your horse, pick a few people out and wish them happiness (probably not out loud though), based on your basic human similarities, and just see how it makes you feel.
Perhaps together, we can change the first auto suggest here (maybe the third too...).
Oh, and I want you to be happy.
So, what about people who have done bad stuff to you? Because the only people I really find it hard to wish well are the people who have personally screwed me over in some way. I find it really easy to forgive people if they're sorry, and easy to forgive them if I love them (I'm using love in the wide-ranging sense here) and in general I think I'm a pretty forgiving person, but there are a couple of people who have so intentionally set out to damage me for their own selfish ends, and I find it very hard to wish those people well.
ReplyDeleteYes, this is quite a tricky situation, especially when they appear to have set out to hurt you deliberately. My own view for this would be to combine two of the points I raised in the blog post. The first is that I don't believe anyone is born with a desire to hurt anyone. It's my belief that if they've set out to hurt you, that we're actually looking at their own issues here. Perhaps they felt threatened by you, so they lashed out (because they had forgotten you're human), perhaps a nerve was touched and so they responded with aggression. If any of those two factors were true (that they felt threatened, or a nerve was touched), then there is suffering on their part (low self esteem, poor parenting for example), and I think you can wish an end to their suffering. The second part is that I think it's still OK, and maybe sensible to recognise that they are someone who has hurt you and that's not someone you want to revisit in your life. So, a little bit like the convicted criminal I refer to. You can believe they're wrong, steer clear of them, but in the same moment just think "They're human, and I don't want suffering".
ReplyDeleteBeautiful thought/writing - I will start practicing this more now. I follow this practice also while I am have a conflict with someone and the other person is showing lot of anger. I send this signal requesting the almighty to give this troubled soul some peace. It works when the conflict is not too bad, trying to make it work always..
ReplyDeleteAnother clarification on human behavior that I understood from a show. We all have previous births karmic accounts with people. The ones that are closest to us are generally the ones that we had a strong karmic account with in the past. It could have been a good or a bad karmic account. So when we constantly have conflicts and a person seems unreasonable, the theory says its because we did something in the past birth and hence we need to repay this birth..
Meghana