The Ramblingsfromakitkat Manifesto

Well, the UK General Election is less than three weeks away now. For the first time, I am completely undecided as to who I will vote for (and I will be voting!). I know it will be either Labour, Conservatives or Lib Dem (in a general election, I choose to vote only for one of the big three)

And so, inspired by the Official Monster Raving Loony Party's Manifesto, I bring you mine.

More will be added as I form more policies.

Grammar:
If elected, I shall order the Oxford English Dictionary to find an alternative for the word procrastination. It is unreasonable to have such a long word for people who most likely cannot be bothered, nor feel compelled to write all those letters. My party shall propose the word procrastination be replaced with the letter Q as this comes first on computers.

Working Hours:
Increasingly, doctors and other health care workers are understanding the importance of good employee health benefiting the company. More people seem happier at the weekend. Therefore, I shall reverse the working week/weekend numbers to a 5 day weekend and 2 day working week. This way we'll all be more happy and get more work done on the 2 days when we do have to work.

Law:
All courts and tribunals handling family and divorce cases would be issued with ample supplies of Birds Custard. This would help in custardy battles.

Defence:
I believe we are not using the A-Team to its full potential. I therefore propose full reinstatement of the A-Team with a view to deploy them immediately into theatre in Afghanistan. Also, because many of the local forces that we are committed to train in both Iraq and Afghanistan have limited resources, I propose that all foreign forces trained by my government are done so by MacGyver. This will ensure they are most effective even when available resources are low.

New Years Honours List:
If elected, I shall recommend to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II that she gives the title "Order of the British Empire" to Obi-Wan Kenobi. This will give the character the full name of Obi-Wan Kenobi OBE. (is it obvious I know nothing about sci-fi?)

Air Travel:
In light of the recent disruption caused to air travel by the Icelandic volcano eruption, a new law would be passed requiring all commercial aircraft to carry the drink "Red Bull". Red Bull gives you wings, and therefore will act as a back up mechanism should the plane loose stability due to ash intake. This backup would ensure aircraft can continue to fly.

Farming and Agriculture:
I shall ensure that all spiderpigs are free to do whatever spiderpigs do.

Animal Welfare:
The RSPCA will be instructed to ensure that all meerkats are found in groups of at least two. This is to enable the public to effectively compare the meerkat.

Mental Health:
All psychiatric hospitals will have trampolines placed on the ground below each window. This is to prevent injury and encourage humour (therefore curing them of their problem) amongst patients aiming to escape.

Also, I shall make it law that anyone who has suffered with depression for six months or longer is required to change their name to Annie, regardless of their sex. This is to create the conditions for people caring for these individuals to lighten the moment by saying "Annie are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?".

Climate Change:
I will create a task force to dismantle all greenhouses and prosecute any gardener who continues to flout the law and use them. This will have an impact on the effectiveness of greenhouses, therefore reducing the greenhouse effect.

Health:
The cost of cigarettes will be halved and re-engineered to suck in carbon dioxide, therefore removing the remaining effects caused by greenhouses. All pieces of fruit and veg will be made smaller. This increases the chances that people will be able to eat their recommended 5 per day. Tomato ketchup will also count towards your five a day (that's per squirt, so five squirts will provide you with your recommended daily allowance).

Transport:
As an alternative fuel source, all vehicles will be powered using the energy generated from burning the excrement spoken by politicians. National Express will be renamed "National" to remove the misleading word "express", which implies speed.

Green Transport:
Taking a leaf out of Mary Poppin's book, I will invest in the research to test the suitability of using flight-capable umbrellas (which require only wind) as the next form of public transportation to replace cars. And I shall also ensure that Rhianna only has one umbrella, and not several "ella's" on top. This is greed and we as a society must curb this.

Family:
I will make sure all parents have three children. Parents must raise their offspring to ensure one of them weighs significantly less than the other two. This policy will restore the 2.4 children factor which proved to be the bedrock of a stable family life for so many years.

Economy:
I will allow all children (and adults providing they obtain the necessary license) to spend chocolate money, which will be given official monetary status as the secondary currency throughout the British Isles. The cost of kit kats will also be reduced by 90%.

Race relations:
I will advocate a society in which all races are given equal consideration. All athletes will have to participate in at least one other race and give at least 50% of their training time to this event. Any athlete found to be disobeying this law shall be prosecuted as being race-ist.

Crime:
Anyone wishing to be a police officer will not be allowed to join the force until they have mastered the "walk from The Bill". Paperwork will be reduced by requiring all reports to be filed via Twitter. This will also ensure transparency.

Tourism:
I will rename all tourist locations to ensure confusion and disappointment cannot reign. For example, Piccadilly Circus will be renamed so people do not expect to find a trapeze artist upon arrival.

Entertainment:
A law will be introduced to make it illegal for anyone over the age of 10 to purchase a Harry Potter book. Also, the Sun newspaper will be renamed to make it more representative of the British weather. It will be now be called "Overcast with a chance of rain"

Technology:
Any piece of technology used to gather mapping data from ground level, will be referred to as a satellemite. This will continue the stalagmite (rising from the ground)/stalactite (from above) order of words. Satellites, providing the data is aerial/orbiting will remain unchanged.

Immigration:
Due to the increasing problem of hospital acquired infections, I would to ensure that Britain's immigration policy also encompasses bacteria. In a new step, only friendly bacteria would be granted entry into the United Kingdom (such as the type found in Yakult). Bad bacteria would not be allowed in and the newly created Border Protection Force shall be provided with ample supplies of Dettol antibacterial spray.

Freedom of Information:
It is believed that nowadays, there are too many public inquiries. If elected, I will hold a public inquiry to investigate why there are so many.

Public Holidays:
April 1st will be made a bank holiday. It will be referred to as "Boris Johnson day".

Sport:
The theme tune to the BBC Snooker coverage shall be replaced by "Snooker loopy nuts are we".

2012 Olympics:
A new sport of "being British" shall be introduced. This is to ensure that Britain will win at least one gold medal during the Olympics for which we are the host nation.

Religious Integration:
I shall recall my ambassador to the Vatican City, unless the Pope meets our demands and answers the question "Why, if we, the people are created by God, do I sometimes bite my own tongue?" It is unacceptable to believe that the same being who created the Grand Canyon would have made such an error with humans.

Civil Liberties:
To ensure that our security services (MI5 and MI6), do not believe they are above the law, it is my policy to verify whether James Bond has a license to watch TV.