Last Saturday, I saw my good friend, Sarah. The next day, I received a lovely message from her which said she'd been telling her Mum about me. The message said
"I said you knew what was what and you were not only a good person who was always kind to others. You make living a good life and being a good person look so easy. You make doing the right thing look obvious."
Now I don't know if that's true or not. I hope it is, because what a lovely message. If her assessment of me is correct, then I've done very well in my life and my efforts are becoming well worth it. It got me thinking (and then once I had stopped wondering why fridge has a D in it, but refrigerator doesn't) about her message. Let's just say for one brief moment that Sarah is correct (not because she isn't usually though). Let's say I am a nice person and I do this being nice thing very well (I am terribly self-deprecating by the way). What views do I have that might be contributing to this? Well, I came up with this list below. (I should just state, more to satisfy my own mind and allow for my hand to click on "publish" that this is written on the imaginary basis of me not being a complete twit.)
So, here is a guide that I am calling "How to be nice, by a person who each day is terrified that he is not nice, therefore meaning he probably is nice, but could never genuinely entertain that..."
1. Always smile at people.
Now, I live in London and in London, there is an unwritten rule that states that should you find yourself in the position of smilee, then you're a) about to be mugged, b) canvassed by a politician or c) have your liver eaten by a psychopath. However, I choose to smile at people. Why? Is it because I want to mug them? No, because by the time I have doused my hands in anti-bacterial hand gel, they would probably have enough time to escape. Am I a politician? No, and be thankful I am not. Am I a liver-liking psychopath? No. I prefer chicken. I smile at them, because I genuinely believe that it will brighten their day (once they realise they're not about to be mugged, asked for their vote or gutted). Chances are that that person is fighting a battle, whether that be health issues, work stresses, money issues or friends using your when it should be you're. So we should all smile more at one another and show one another that we are not alone in this world.
2. Never say that you're a nice person, but instead say that you always try to be a nice person.
Personally I feel that the moment a person says about themselves "I'm a nice person", then it can only fuel an arrogance. You're human and sometimes you're going to balls it up. You're going to say the wrong thing. You're going to come across as a bigot. You're going to use your when it should be you're (hopefully very rarely though). If you decide that you have become a nice person and have achieved some special position, then you're more likely to question less if someone says (for example) "what you said/did there hurt me". It's a fine line, because I agree with the view that we should all think highly of ourselves, but I believe that we can tell ourselves that the act of trying always to be nice and kind is itself something to be proud of.
3. Don't try to change people unless they ask explicitly.
Obviously, I need to preface this with saying this is just my view, otherwise I'm just being hypocritical. But, personally I don't like the culture of this "think again!" when a person presents their view. I feel it's easy for people to tell others that they're wrong without considering their right to an opinion which will have been based on a whole series of life experiences. Personally, I find it much more helpful to just accept their right to individuality and having their own opinions. Sure, if someone says "I don't like the way I think about X, please help me", then go ahead. But if someone states an opinion you disagree with, then embrace that difference, don't say "no, you're wrong and I must tell you why". THAT IS JUST MY OPINION THOUGH AND IT HELPS ME.
4. Be thankful and grateful
Each day/week, make a list of one thing or several things that you are grateful for. It really could be the smallest thing. Maybe you're grateful for friends and family. Maybe you're just thankful for whoever invented shoelaces because it helped you stand up more safely.
5. Want others to be happy
It sounds simple, but really make an effort to have a huge desire for everyone around you to become as free from any suffering they may have as quickly as possible.
6. Consider what might make someone's day go 1% more easily.
If we all do this constantly, then that will go to make a large percentage. Hold the door open for someone, ask how someone is. Chances are the person you're interacting with has a worry. You might not be able to remove anything big from their list, but you can offer someone a drink, you can hold a door open for them, you can send someone a photo of a meerkat (I like meerkats).
7. Realise that you have a huge impact. There might be 7 billion of us in the world, but actually I feel our impact is potentially enormous. We all have stories about people who have influenced us positively and traumatised us. Often people will describe people who did something many years ago that still influences them now. In my mind, each day there is the opportunity to be one of those people that in 20 years time, the person you spoke with will say "I remember this person from years ago. S/he did this for me. I am still thankful".
8. Make people laugh
I've had times in my life where I did not smile for a very long time. As in the physical action of smiling where the muscles in the face move up and a neurological process takes place to produce pleasure did not happen for many months. After I began to smile again, I realised I had not been experiencing something very profound and something that is a great gift. I vowed to try and give that gift to as many people as possible before my days on this planet are numbered. What an amazing gift to give to someone eh? Also, this is partly because I don't want to have to spend my money buying you a voucher.
9. Be interested in people
If someone chooses to share something with you, be flattered. Us humans can be a reserved bunch. If someone opens their heart to us, then we are very privileged. Don't shirk that responsibility.
10. Avoid dehumanising people
Everyone you will speak to was born naked, kicking and screaming sharing the same basic desires as you - you both want to be happy and healthy. Try not to lose sight of the very basic element that we all share.
OK, that's it! If I think of anything else, I'll add it here. See you later, everyone. And remember, these are just my views that have helped me (allegedly) become a nice person.
"I said you knew what was what and you were not only a good person who was always kind to others. You make living a good life and being a good person look so easy. You make doing the right thing look obvious."
Now I don't know if that's true or not. I hope it is, because what a lovely message. If her assessment of me is correct, then I've done very well in my life and my efforts are becoming well worth it. It got me thinking (and then once I had stopped wondering why fridge has a D in it, but refrigerator doesn't) about her message. Let's just say for one brief moment that Sarah is correct (not because she isn't usually though). Let's say I am a nice person and I do this being nice thing very well (I am terribly self-deprecating by the way). What views do I have that might be contributing to this? Well, I came up with this list below. (I should just state, more to satisfy my own mind and allow for my hand to click on "publish" that this is written on the imaginary basis of me not being a complete twit.)
So, here is a guide that I am calling "How to be nice, by a person who each day is terrified that he is not nice, therefore meaning he probably is nice, but could never genuinely entertain that..."
1. Always smile at people.
Now, I live in London and in London, there is an unwritten rule that states that should you find yourself in the position of smilee, then you're a) about to be mugged, b) canvassed by a politician or c) have your liver eaten by a psychopath. However, I choose to smile at people. Why? Is it because I want to mug them? No, because by the time I have doused my hands in anti-bacterial hand gel, they would probably have enough time to escape. Am I a politician? No, and be thankful I am not. Am I a liver-liking psychopath? No. I prefer chicken. I smile at them, because I genuinely believe that it will brighten their day (once they realise they're not about to be mugged, asked for their vote or gutted). Chances are that that person is fighting a battle, whether that be health issues, work stresses, money issues or friends using your when it should be you're. So we should all smile more at one another and show one another that we are not alone in this world.
2. Never say that you're a nice person, but instead say that you always try to be a nice person.
Personally I feel that the moment a person says about themselves "I'm a nice person", then it can only fuel an arrogance. You're human and sometimes you're going to balls it up. You're going to say the wrong thing. You're going to come across as a bigot. You're going to use your when it should be you're (hopefully very rarely though). If you decide that you have become a nice person and have achieved some special position, then you're more likely to question less if someone says (for example) "what you said/did there hurt me". It's a fine line, because I agree with the view that we should all think highly of ourselves, but I believe that we can tell ourselves that the act of trying always to be nice and kind is itself something to be proud of.
3. Don't try to change people unless they ask explicitly.
Obviously, I need to preface this with saying this is just my view, otherwise I'm just being hypocritical. But, personally I don't like the culture of this "think again!" when a person presents their view. I feel it's easy for people to tell others that they're wrong without considering their right to an opinion which will have been based on a whole series of life experiences. Personally, I find it much more helpful to just accept their right to individuality and having their own opinions. Sure, if someone says "I don't like the way I think about X, please help me", then go ahead. But if someone states an opinion you disagree with, then embrace that difference, don't say "no, you're wrong and I must tell you why". THAT IS JUST MY OPINION THOUGH AND IT HELPS ME.
4. Be thankful and grateful
Each day/week, make a list of one thing or several things that you are grateful for. It really could be the smallest thing. Maybe you're grateful for friends and family. Maybe you're just thankful for whoever invented shoelaces because it helped you stand up more safely.
5. Want others to be happy
It sounds simple, but really make an effort to have a huge desire for everyone around you to become as free from any suffering they may have as quickly as possible.
6. Consider what might make someone's day go 1% more easily.
If we all do this constantly, then that will go to make a large percentage. Hold the door open for someone, ask how someone is. Chances are the person you're interacting with has a worry. You might not be able to remove anything big from their list, but you can offer someone a drink, you can hold a door open for them, you can send someone a photo of a meerkat (I like meerkats).
7. Realise that you have a huge impact. There might be 7 billion of us in the world, but actually I feel our impact is potentially enormous. We all have stories about people who have influenced us positively and traumatised us. Often people will describe people who did something many years ago that still influences them now. In my mind, each day there is the opportunity to be one of those people that in 20 years time, the person you spoke with will say "I remember this person from years ago. S/he did this for me. I am still thankful".
8. Make people laugh
I've had times in my life where I did not smile for a very long time. As in the physical action of smiling where the muscles in the face move up and a neurological process takes place to produce pleasure did not happen for many months. After I began to smile again, I realised I had not been experiencing something very profound and something that is a great gift. I vowed to try and give that gift to as many people as possible before my days on this planet are numbered. What an amazing gift to give to someone eh? Also, this is partly because I don't want to have to spend my money buying you a voucher.
9. Be interested in people
If someone chooses to share something with you, be flattered. Us humans can be a reserved bunch. If someone opens their heart to us, then we are very privileged. Don't shirk that responsibility.
10. Avoid dehumanising people
Everyone you will speak to was born naked, kicking and screaming sharing the same basic desires as you - you both want to be happy and healthy. Try not to lose sight of the very basic element that we all share.
OK, that's it! If I think of anything else, I'll add it here. See you later, everyone. And remember, these are just my views that have helped me (allegedly) become a nice person.
